R.I.P. MCA. You rocked the hip hop. Beastie Boys photo from MTV.

I’m gonna set it straight this water gate.

Crash writing, like crash diets? Totally suck. They don’t work for me. Just as I can’t limit myself to a measly 500 calories a day, a daily 1,500 word count goal is also just as torturous. At least it is, during this crazy I-still-have-two-kids-in-diapers time of my life. Since I’ve been writing consistently this week, I’ve discovered a little something important about me: I give myself crazy high expectations. And when I don’t meet them, it’s devastating.

I’m trying to tell you now it’s sabotage.

I start these extremely difficult, ridiculously hard goals to presumptuously make myself motivated to lose weight/write a book. In lightning speed of course, because I am impatient and disillusioned. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to maintain a diet with no sugar. No carbs. Practically no calories. Suffer for just a little bit right? It’s worth the pain and headaches in the end. Because then I will be skinny.

But then I find that I am miserable. Hating another bowl of low-cal, watered down soup. Still not skinny. Remembering when food was fun and not the enemy. I feel horrible about the progress I have not made, then I suddenly I am eating my stress in a pan of frosted brownies. Oh and guess what? Not skinny.

Listen all of y’all it’s a sabotage.

Same applies to my writing. I didn’t do much today. In fact, I was caught up in revising a lot of the work I had previously done the day before (hate this, where was I going with this?), I chopped a lot and rewrote a ton. Technically, I may have less text than I started with. But guess what? This backward progression wasn’t a bad thing. Actually, all that editing and self discovery has been good for me. I am optimistic. Here’s why.

1) I am recognizing my tendency towards self-inflicted sabotage. Knowing is the half the battle right? Now, to learn from this mistake.

2) I have written every day this week. People, this is BIG. I am so so so proud that I kept this goal.

3) While I’ve been writing, I’m learning of the importance of looking inside myself for experiences to draw from. I’ve lived an adventurous/happy/sorrowful/funny/awkward/triumphant kind of life. Use it.

4) I really want this. Like, really want this. So much, I’m going to learn from this week’s experiment and continue to write. Everyday. I’m not going to be discouraged and I’m going to make writing a regular part of my daily routine. Let’s do this.

I’ll tell you now I keep it on and on.